The Gospel of writing Gospel Music.

As I am writing choir songs I am challenged by the content. Always.
Writing comes so naturally to me it feels like a well...and I think it is.
GOSPEL music even more so.
I have a deep faith with a deep legacy of believers in this gospel along side and in front of me.
I also have a deep need to be grounded. I question almost everything. I am certain that most times what we see is not all there is.
Which is why I think faith in what I can't see makes a lot of sense to me.
Balance says if people hide and there are masks to shield what we don't want revealed, there must be also aspects of this world that hide behind things we can't see.
Does it always have to be bad though?
In my experience it isn't religion or church itself that gives me hope.
It's the knowlege that when I have lost EVERY FAITH AND HOPE something has compelled me forward to walk through that.
People. Music. Words. Silence. Just....something.

Love and Hope are timeless. Full of gravity yet completely free of tethers.

JOY is not something you can grab with your hands.
It is there though.

Faith isn't all bad.

I think Jesus knew that...and that is why Jesus walked by it.

And that is why I walk by it.

Running from Fear OR Fear of Running.

Before I start this I want to say my grammar is terrible. So get over it ok? At least I passed music and music is the universal language :D

So here it is.

I have always had a slightly irrational fear of DEATH !!!

Isn't this a great way to start a blog entry?

Before I go on I am not going to delve into every account of loss in my life that have brought this irrational fear on. Instead I will just say that loss happened. It happens...and it happened.

Loss doesn't have to even be HUGE for it to be considered loss. Sometimes loss of a pet is enough to tip someones world just off balance enough for fear of FEELING to take over. Cuz really...who wants to fear or feel loss? It sucks and it's terrifying as hell.

So anyway I am thinking about running. I love to run!! This past year I have faced a ridiculous amount of FEAR coupled with a large amount of anxiety attacks and a good dose of OMG am I going to SUDDENLY DROP DEAD? Well here is a news flash that I am recently getting my head around. Having an illness,  or someone close to you having an illness can make you analyze these things in greater detail. So here's my latest discovery......not to be mistaken for a lesson because it's only a DISCOVERY. I haven't learned anything yet.

My new discovery is this..... WE ARE ALL GOING TO DROP DEAD. Maybe not suddenly ....but it's going to happen. Doesn't that SUCK!!!!!! It means LOSS. I hate loss.

I am not sure what scares me most. Knowing my loved ones will be sad if I drop dead OR knowing I will be sad if my loved ones drop dead. Both are terrifying. Lets be real...it's terrifying !!!! Isn't it?

I'm not saying this so everyone starts panicking about loss I am saying this because I REALLY want to start LIVING instead of fearing dying. I want to face my fears instead of run from them. So here's what I am going to do...

I AM GOING TO RUN!!!!!!!!!

" but..didn't you just say you didn't want to run from your fears Tanya??"

YES!!!

I am going to legit start running because in RUNNING I am going to stop RUNNING.

If you have stopped reading I understand. I am random like a kite and have bad grammar.
Those who are still reading are the ones meant to be still reading...

In the past 3 years I have been dealing with recovering from back surgery, vertigo, and a newly discovered 6 mm aneurysm behind my left eye. I also have debilitating migraines and suffer panic attacks and the occasional mental breakdown for fun. Good times right?

The aneurysm is the thing that scared me the most though other then my acute vertigo which at the beginning gripped me as well. I think what scared me the most is the inability to DENY that at any moment a vessel could blow in my head and my life would be cut short or significantly altered. After much testing I have decided to let that thing hang out there behind my left eye and not operate for now. It's stable. Now I just have to GET STABLE.

So I am going to try to run again. It's the thing I love most. In the rain or sun it doesn't matter to me. Running represents freedom. My back is healed enough to run. My vertigo is still hindering but I can TRY and use something for balance. I will start small. My heart rate will go up and I will face my fear that in running I will do something to that precarious blood vessel in my head to cause it to go wrong.

Exercise...but not to vigorous. Be cautious...but not TOO cautious.

Do surgery. Don't do surgery.
These are all the many mixed messages I have been getting from really informed people in their field.
So here is what I know...and I have always known.

I am gonna live by FAITH instead of FEAR. I have always been taken care of even when bad things happen. Bad things do happen.

I am going to LIVE and conquer the things I can.

and next week.....I am going to starting running.  I LOVE RUNNING! Even if it's just for 3 minutes xo

After all ...there is no fear...in love xo t

Can I get a witness? !

Can I get a witness! ?

That thing you hold.

The numbing, mind blowing, mental gymnastics of the day

That simmering boil, silent cry scream it out loud pit.

Can I PLEASE get a witness! ?

Don’t you even KNOW! ?

Yes that thing.

You yourself are the hands over the ears

Stick your tongue out I am not listening heckler.

You are the sound of your own choir preaching to the empty pew in front of you.

Glance at yourself from the ghost town.

If you don’t witness your own view

Then who?

Really…then who.

Internal Dialogue.

I am sure we all have it.

That conversation that goes back and forth like a ping pong ball or the wheels on the bus going round and round.....( your welcome)
The never ending internal dialogue of the mind that allows you to make decisions or stay stuck.
I have it a lot when I am writing music. Which is why I am now deciding to open up the flood gates of my soul and share it on facebook. I think what I feel is that in the past my songwriting has been laced in positivity. Everyone loves a good beat, a positive message. Something to make them FEEL good. I do ! I want that. I like that.  What we put out in the world is important. I want to put out music that makes people feel better. The problem I am having is my latest project that I have been working on for about 2 years now is more well....... I don't even have the words. I guess honestly it's just what I see. Sometimes what I FEEL and more importantly what I am inclined to write and put out. I have told my friends about it. I have been saying it for a long time now. I want everyone to know that I am going to release an album sometime within the next year....I promise. It is different then all my others. You may not like it. I am o.k. with this. I have spent hours of time...many many hours creating the beats, experimenting with all I do not know about digital audio and mostly just writing the muzings of my heart . Some of it is sad. Not all of it...but probably most of it. Don't let that stop you from listening though. I feel that if you take the time and especially now that I have warned you the journey I am hoping....will be worth the listen. My project is called "Symphony Of The Lonely" . I hope you like it . If you don't though...that's o.k. I understand. Now I have just defeated the doubts in my head by giving myself permission ...to finish this thing :) Love is still the warrior xo t

My Reminder

Lately I have been running full tilt ahead. Committing to starting a business is a life decision with great implications but BUSY ones. Seeing as though I AM my business in TanyaGillespieMusic , I have to remember that balance is really important. Yesterday I chose to take a few minutes literally out of my day and just BE. I tried to center myself, get back into what drives me. Here is what I remembered.

Although my name is my business I want my business to be about others. I want to live from the inside out and not the other way around. I want the beat inside of me to beat outside of me. 

I remembered something else. Thank you Tori Callsen. She showed up in my thoughts today. A reminder that life is short, valuable and about the little things. I pray you are at peace. 

I care about people. I can't help it. If I lost everything in this world..I hope I never ever lose the beat that is inside me. The beat to give love, live loved, and to try to understand how to simply...do it better everyday. 

The Piano

I have been thinking about the piano. The instrument that I am most familiar with, most attached to, and most advanced in. For years I felt like the piano was the voice that spoke for me the things I could not find to say. I am grateful for the gift of it. I am grateful for the gift my parents gave to me in sowing into years of lessons and recitals, time and expense for me to learn.

I often feel bad that when I do a show or a gig that I don't tend to play it much if at all. I think people wonder why sometimes. I have asked myself that question and the only answer I have come up with is this. " It's my sacred space." 

My intimate place of connection with myself, my God and everything that makes up the process of who I am in this life. This is why I have a love and sometimes hate relationship with what comes out of me on those keys. And this is why I don't often write songs for " a show" that come out of that place. Its not because I don't want to be vulnerable or show myself to all of you. As any artist knows though you have to KNOW where your boundary lines fall. What you can give away with the knowing it may not come back to you as you expect or desire. It is love. When I give it away I better make sure I am giving it away for free. No strings attached. 

Even now I don't know if this is making sense. These are simply the thoughts of my mind as I prepare to play a few shows in the next few months. Will I play piano? Maybe not...or perhaps yes. I am not sure. If it is in me, yes I will. 

I can promise this though. Guitar, Piano, Drums or just my voice. I will speak from my heart, I will love what I do, and I will give away the gift for free that has been given so graciously to me. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK7c_OCx7Xg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This is my new favourite song.  I am going to cover it which I don't do often. This one resonates to the core of me though...