Just a heads up !

Hey my friends...
So working during Christmas at Starbucks makes me realize a few things...


#1. Don't drive if you don't have too.


#2. Crazy happens


#3. Be prepared to wait. Give yourself more time than you think you need. So you don't panic and have           uncontrollable road rage. Who me??? NOOOOOO.... ;)


#4. Be kind to old ladies and old men.


#5. Take time to talk to someone homeless. They have shown me things about love I would not know otherwise.


#6. Try something new! This year....I made chocolate with some new friends...and it was really fun!!!


#7. Love more. Complain less.


#8. Be thankful.


#9. Realize that this is the hardest time of the year for a large majority of the population. So extend your heart wherever possible. You never know who's day you may brighten with your smile! :D


#10.   DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. ESPECIALLY AFTER SAMPLING FREE ONES FROM THE LIQUOR STORE. You WILL get pulled over.
This happened to a unsuspecting soul/customer . Just because they are "samples"...does not mean you will not be over the limit!!




LOVE TO EVERYONE THIS SEASON. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HUG FROM ME!! xo

a penny is change too

Canadian currency can be super annoying. There must be a reason why they call it Loonies and Toonies. Let's just add some more weight to our already overflowing change purses. And you poor men! I guess that's what the sock drawer is for. That's where my Dad use to store his spare change :)
The value of change is based on the value we have placed on it. You can buy a lot more with a two dollar coin than a penny..obviously. But pennies do add up...over time. Pennies are change too.
So  taking your pennies and casually stuffing them in your ashtray perhaps saving them for a rainy day might not be a pointless idea. It just may bye you that extra cup of emergency coffee you need on that REALLY bad day when you left your wallet at home.
Change comes in small and larger amounts. But at the end of the day change is change. And over time...it adds up to something that just might brighten one bleak day!!

I love myself today

"I love myself today. Not like yesterday. I'm cool. I'm calm. I'm gonna be o.k. ah ha. "
                                                                                                           Bif Naked 

friends are good.

It's a FAIL for blogging everyday on international bloggers month for me. I think this might be my third. And it will be intensely short and very VERY boring:)
HOWEVER! I will have fun...because tonight my friend Blair is going to make me dinner, feed me Margarita's and take me out to a Neil Young tribute concert! What fun! I am spoiled rotten.
Blair you are a good friend :) thanks .

stand by my side

I haven't written to much lately in the way of songs...but here is a new one I am working on..

What do we do when were black and blue?
Bloodied up bruised, beat-up and used
How can we find a heart that's true?
Stand by my side
Stand by my side


These are the battle cries of life?
From birth to death, from me to you
Here by the shoreline the tide will rise
Stand by my side
Stand by my side


let's watch our weathered hearts unfold
under the sun in from the cold
maybe a heart of ice and stone
could turn to clay
could turn to clay


Delicate as is works of art
The body holds these beating hearts
Come hell or high water and all our pride
Stand by my side
Stand by my side


After the questions and answers too
All arguments and reasons 
What end will come of this love and life?(2x)
Stand by my side
Stand by my side

A Spoken word poem by a good friend

On the rare occasion I have words.
When I was a teen I use to write half of what I thought, crumple it up and throw it away.
I never could quite get out what I felt .
And I burnt a lot of those half journal entries in a moment of purging myself of a really hard time of my life. That felt good. It still does. I am glad I did it.
Expression is a miracle to me.
Like a gift from heaven that I receive from God himself.
So when I have a song, or poem or a note to play that feels organic to the expression of an emotion I feel, I am overcome with elation. I can imagine it would be a similar yet much less tangible feeling as to giving birth. Although I have not experienced that .
Birthing words hurts. And when it happens in truth and honesty I feel joy.

I am thankful for songs and words that other people have. Especially when I can't find my own.
They make me feel connected to the human race. Expression does that.
Recently my friend Matthew Davidson member of the Victoria spoken word Slam team wrote this poem.
I connect with this poem. Or more over this poem connects with me....
And therefore I wanted to share it with you....


CONFESSION.      By. Matthew Christopher. Davidson.

I keep watching you fall apart

watching your freckles turn to shine like tiny pebbles 

washed in small rivers that wind across your face

every time you begin to open

with broken battle-cries your brave words false start

your heart cracks

and honesty always straight-smack dissolves you in the end

when you drizzle into wet confusion, 

waterfall into unexpected confessions

that leave you wondering where the safe places are 

because you can't even keep your own secrets in your head

can't silence these lines around your eyes broadcasting sadness

so who the hell else can you trust to wrap your 

darkness in warm cover under blazing tabloid madness, 

with gossip running brazen and flagrant through 

shock-hungry worlds like cocaine fire in our veins

but the fact is that the truth remains our anchor

keeps us grounded when bottled-up words 

would have just gotten us high on the things we kept inside, 

in those moments we should have just busted open like 

overinflated balloons but instead like kids 

we just let them float away and

so as a man I want to stand here and say

hey, don't ever stop talking

we've been walking through this cold finding heat like 

two old birds heading south and all I know right now is that

your mouth is a fault line in the universe that grace is breaking through

and you 

are the most beautiful mess I've ever known

I don't have answers to all your questions 

but the best wonders in life are made more wondrous 

by knowing you don't have to ask these things alone

and if it takes us getting messy to finally come clean 

then let's fuck that shit up, yo.  

let's roll up our sleeves and plunge our hands in dirt, 

work this ground until it bleeds out life and muddies up our shirts; 

let's swear to tell the truth no matter how much it hurts.

and when it comes to secrets 

I can't promise to keep my mouth shut; 

my tongue trips over itself in spite of myself and 

my mind is a revolving door, but I will promise you this:  

I will bury your darkness in my forgetfulness

because for every sin you've confessed 

I could confess a hundred more.

and when it comes to safety, 

I can promise that I will open my mouth wide and cover you with my words

because you are worth speaking up for.

A day of purple

I am not an activist
I don't know why.
I hate debating.
Its not that I don't believe in things strong enough to debate them.
Its just that I don't want to.
Honestly when I look at topics of debate all I keep seeing is people. Not topics.
And although debates are often in defense of people, or choices I wonder sometimes if the actual people get missed in exchange for the cause. Even if the cause is worthy.
Today I am wearing purple and doing laundry
My wardrobe is black mostly
Not because I am sad, just simply because I like it.
Purple means spirit.
Spirit by definition means many things. Here is one thing it means according to Dictionary.com. They know almost as much as Google:)

an attitude or principle that inspires, animates, or pervades thought, feeling, or action: the spirit of reform.

I don't know what I can inspire today, or if I can pervade any thought or feeling or especially action. I have taken my own action today, along with many others by changing the colour of my shirt to honor some lonely ill-treated gay teens who needed more love displayed  toward them. Enough they could feel it. More than the hate they felt from the outside, or maybe within themselves. We will never know.

I wish I could define in words how I truly feel. But words seem so feeble sometimes in expressing spirit.

Inside, the spirit in me groans.

Not for an activist stance one way or another.

Not for a debate or a cause.

But for love.

Love that is big enough to bring every single human heart to life.

Love that speaks to an invidvidual and tells that individual that they are valuable. accepted. and a neccessary part of the human race. 

The kind of love that leaves us speechless.

The kind of love where in our very cells we realize there is nothing to fear except maybe fear itself.

Fear truly is a thief.

I have had much of it. And everytime I face my fears and they have been met with love?

My fear has decreased and I have felt relief in the fact that I am not alone, and someone might understand me just a little.

Facing fear is hard.

Being vulnerable is hard.

Which is a requirement of love.

Risking mockery as a teenager because you choose to be the loving one instead of the mocking one is hard.

But my heart longs to go deeper and grasp the roots of this organic and most needed entity for life.

Attempting love, can only make us better at it.

I wonder how I can try this today?

And if you don't know it today let others know it for you.

you are valuable.

priceless even...

" lets just keep going"

"Lets just keep going"

Those are the words that keep running through my head.
Today was a weird day of work. I would say " stressful" for lack of a better word to describe serving coffee in the midst of chaos.
Add 5 am, some sickness, a dash of  "that person is crazy" and what comes out of the pot is a Venti cup of hot steaming " really? why today? your kidding me right?"
Nope. All in a days work. No big deal really.
Somewhere between highlighter man with green hair with his stalker tendencies, and " I haven't had my last break yet ..oh wait I'm off now" I started to smile.
I was thinking about why some days just seem to go from bad to worse.
Being in the service industry is funny that way because even if things are NUTS when you look someone in the eye and say " hi! how may I help you ?!" it really is your job to mean it. And I do sincerely try. ...not to lie. Except when someone asks me how my day is going and I am obligated to say GREAT when in fact I just finished thinking of 17 things that just went wrong in a row behind the scenes.
It all worked out. Last minute . Which is why they have so cleverly names it last minute.
And when all was said and done, when I thought I may have to be at work for 16 hours today I ended up leaving fifteen minutes early to make up for that break that I missed!
Really, without being in the midst it's hard to explain chaos. My own.
I am sure all who go through chaos find it hard to explain their own...
The interesting thing about it though is after all is said and done and we have faced the day with it's challenges we find out it did not kill us!
Today at least it made me realize that during times of high stress to have an outcome I must actually come out of it! PHEW! The best part of my work day today was when I got to say, " I'm OUTta here! "
And my knowing ?
                       " lets just keep going..."
                                                        
                        
        

my gut

It was pointed out to me by a friend once that every time I said I "heard something" I touched my stomach. As if my ears or brain were in my belly. Some would call this a gut instinct. For me it is the way I have operated most of my existence. Its the way I interpret sound in music. What emotion to play, how loud or soft. It is the way I navigate through decisions that are not clear sometimes. It is the way I communicate with God often. In many ways it is the only way I really know. And it is how I know....myself. And it is how I recognize pain, laughter, love and ALL SORTS of crazy things.
Other references sound like this..
" i can feeeel it"
" i dunno its just a gut?"
" my spidey senses are working"
" the holy spirit talked to me!!!"
              there are many ways to interpret this instinct.
Today I had to follow that, as I have many times before.
My gut is not always correct.
But I have found that I am better off trusting and failing, than not trusting and failing.
So I continue on...listening for the whisper of love that speaks like a whisper somewhere inside me.
There is a scientific name for this. God is cool.
It is called "the belly brain" or " the little brain"

and this is its function.
Not perfect. But SO AMAZING how many ways we can hear, listen and respond to better understand our world.
" THE BELLY BRAIN"


Its technical name is the enteric nervous system, but it is often referred to as the 'little brain.' Only it's not so little: This dense connection of nerves runs the entire length of the digestive system, from your esophagus and stomach to the small and large intestine. It's estimated that the enteric system contains over 100 million neurons. That's more than make up the spinal cord."


                                    Cool eh? :)

knowing the importance...

For those who would like to travel with me....

Humbly I post this. Knowing that for some this is a hard topic among many hard topics to discuss without debate of right and wrong. Acceptable or not. My heart has kept silent many days and years over this very personal and heart wrenching reality for many people, me included.  I post this on my blog without posting on my facebook page. For those who come here because they are interested in me, and my thoughts as small as they are...this is something that I care deeply about. Again. Not in combat or defense, but humbly from a heart who sheepishly with deep conviction speaks, knowing the importance ..... 

                                                                                         Much Love, Tanya

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=592846987806

- Show quoted text -

Let the drummer kick

Please excuse the intrusion  of the pop up player in the middle of the page. I don't know how to get it to the bottom. I like the music though. These are some artists I listen too..and I shall add to it, because it it FUN! Sometimes music is the only thing that makes sense to me... and I love that it has its very own language, and interpretation.
I love that it can bring healing, hope, laughter, tears, closure, openings, unity. I love that it can unlock doors and unravel madness in our minds.
I love that it can make us get up and DANCE!
I love that it is the very rhythm in us, just like our heartbeat.
                                                                                      Let the drummer kick.

Listen to Feist

group guitar lessons

 just started teaching group guitar lessons . It is SO FUN. I remember when I first picked up a guitar at the Schuetzes house years ago with Doug and Troy and whoever else happened to be wandering through the house at the time. During home group and otherwise, just playing and learning by trying to follow along. And then a progressed to playing with my dear friend Julie during a year of Bible College. Yes you heard me right. Bible College. Thank you Mom and Dad. That was a great year solidifying a lifelong friendship with my friend, and roomy who had never and HAS never lived in the same town with me. The gift of this was worth living at the top of a mountain and writing papers on things I probably will never use in real life. My real life that is. But none the less.. I am thankful. People, are awesome. And there I not only met some great people, but I learnt MORE GUITAR!
I also got tomatoes thrown at me in Slovakia in the middle of a market for playing guitar. Just like FOZZY BEAR! I loved it. Truly. I honestly did...like getting tomatoes thrown at me. I thought that only happened in cartoons! nope.

So anyways! I love my guitar students, and piano. And I am finding that teaching and learning in a group setting, at least with guitar is not only FUN but beneficial for catching on faster and with less intimidation.
Thank you my ginny pig group guitar lesson students. You make me smile! And you INSPIRE me.

A spoonful of sugar

There are some out there who believe that when we speak what is on our minds, people really don't care. And I think that could very well be true sometimes. Not everyone can care about everything. But I am pretty sure that each of us, if we are doing our job as humans can be a caring friend to at least one person around us at some point in our day, or life.

Taking time to really hear someone not only takes care, but time. And time is something that very few of us have. But just like I tell my students, its not how MANY notes you play. Its HOW you play them. One note can recreate through sound any number of emotions. The key is to feel...and than to listen. And sometimes I think the key is to listen..and than feel and than do... or play...or whatever. I haven't quite figured out which comes first. 

My experience is I generally remain very inarticulate and silent even though there is much to say until one or both of those things are working together first. Feeling, Listening. Visa Versa. This is my honest connection with God, myself and the people around me. My friends who are close to me know I have a great ability to talk ALOT and than I also have a great ability to fall off the planet for weeks at a time. This is not because I don't want to talk to anyone. Its because I am feeling..and listening. And working my way out to a place where I can be free without fear, to speak whatever is happening.

 And I have found that I have been locked inside many walls for long periods of time  just trying to find one word to speak that is true not masked in fear. People are meant for that I think. To be able to be heard trusting they are cared for, listened to without judgement. This is hard for us. It is.

Lately I have found myself faced with all kinda of different pain. Other peoples. My own . Really complicated pain. The kind of pain in people that has no quick cure, and stems from all types of life circumstance and background. 

We are here today. This is what we know.

Today we want to love.

Today we want to be loved.

Today I am thinking about this, and wondering how I can in a split second of time do this better.

Not with how MUCH time I have but with WHAT time I have, I can better listen to you my fellow friend in the world, family or aquaintance. Feel, listen and connect with you. Hear what you are saying and act... . To better connect the pieces that fit us together. I know very Mary Poppins. Spoon full of sugarish. But I have to say...

Just a spoon full of sugar  really does....make the medicine go down. xo my thoughts...in this moment in time... xo

The Facts of Life ...

Have you ever wondered why theme songs stick in our head so much?

The one that comes to my head immediately is " the facts of life" theme song.

to refresh??.... sing with me all born before 1980!

 " you take the good, you take the bad, you take it all and there you have the facts of life 

The facts of life.Theres a time you gotta go and show your growin now you know about the facts of life....the facts of life. When the world never seems...to be livin up to dreams..." 

you get the idea...

Well I am thinking about themes this week. I have been avoiding writing anything about this week because quite frankly I just can't find the words yet... but I thought I would begin to attempt to fumble through my feelings and download some of what has been on my mind .I told you before....All aboard. This Blog will make you laugh I hope at times...but not today. This week...has been about something more than the facts of life..but rather the reality, of death. I am sorry.. I gotta get it out. The reason I started a blog. Just so I could talk without interruption..read on. If you care to travel with me..

This week I have been faced with Some different kinds of death. All forcing me to think about what it all means. Death is not a new concept for me, or probably you either. However when it faces us in our close circle of friends, or people we are in contact with every day it has a new effect. This time around the effect for me, has been about "bearing one anothers burdens"

I am going to blog this in parts because I can't possibly keep my own attention let alone yours for long enough to get all I am feeling out in one entry. 

The reality this week..

Last Saturday a loved coworker of mine and loved friend of my friends commit suicide. She was 26 years old. With a five year old son she LOVED and family she LOVED and pain, that became to great for her to hold anymore..I get this kind of pain. So my heart....for different reasons than most. grieves. For her. For her son and sons father. For her family. And for her friends. A lot of which, may never understand why.... 

God knows. God loves. God bears our burdens.

Someone else I work with lost a Grandpa the same weekend. He was ninety. Lived a long life. We grieve..and face a different kind of understanding with this kind of death. This one is easier to grasp. At least for me..

Someone else I worked with lost a friend to brain cancer this week. He was 32. I am sorry for your loss my friend. Love. And peace.

And a customer who I love and serve everyday, cried while she told me today she lost her Mother on Friday. My heart ... is full.

                              And all I have been thinking of all week is these two simple but profound words.

                                                                                       Jesus Wept.

                                                                                               xo

                                                                                        

All Aboard..

Hello friends! Well I decided today is as good a day as any to unleash my inner ocean. I will just say this from the get go. These are my thoughts. Surprise right? No really. These are my thoughts. 

I have been feeling the death of the artists block for months now. Recently I have been unleashed though by the graceful hand of mercy to frolick free with my words on my NEW COMPUTER! Not that a pen and paper wont do anymore. But I am a much faster typer and it saves me writers cramp. And somehow, knowing I can place my thoughts in the faithful hands of Google makes me feel empowered, not to mention you reader..even if YOU the reader remains in fact only me! Yes . I do re-read my own blog:)

I warn you, if you travel these seas with me you may feel the need to jump ship at some point. And I am sure if you ask me I will be more than willing to jump with you. 

My point?

The purpose of me creating this blog is simply so I can just BE. 

BE a friend to myself

BE a friend to you

BE lieve in things I may not find until I get them out...

There is an ocean inside of me....

                                                        welcome. xo