Before I start this I want to say my grammar is terrible. So get over it ok? At least I passed music and music is the universal language :D
So here it is.
I have always had a slightly irrational fear of DEATH !!!
Isn't this a great way to start a blog entry?
Before I go on I am not going to delve into every account of loss in my life that have brought this irrational fear on. Instead I will just say that loss happened. It happens...and it happened.
Loss doesn't have to even be HUGE for it to be considered loss. Sometimes loss of a pet is enough to tip someones world just off balance enough for fear of FEELING to take over. Cuz really...who wants to fear or feel loss? It sucks and it's terrifying as hell.
So anyway I am thinking about running. I love to run!! This past year I have faced a ridiculous amount of FEAR coupled with a large amount of anxiety attacks and a good dose of OMG am I going to SUDDENLY DROP DEAD? Well here is a news flash that I am recently getting my head around. Having an illness, or someone close to you having an illness can make you analyze these things in greater detail. So here's my latest discovery......not to be mistaken for a lesson because it's only a DISCOVERY. I haven't learned anything yet.
My new discovery is this..... WE ARE ALL GOING TO DROP DEAD. Maybe not suddenly ....but it's going to happen. Doesn't that SUCK!!!!!! It means LOSS. I hate loss.
I am not sure what scares me most. Knowing my loved ones will be sad if I drop dead OR knowing I will be sad if my loved ones drop dead. Both are terrifying. Lets be real...it's terrifying !!!! Isn't it?
I'm not saying this so everyone starts panicking about loss I am saying this because I REALLY want to start LIVING instead of fearing dying. I want to face my fears instead of run from them. So here's what I am going to do...
I AM GOING TO RUN!!!!!!!!!
" but..didn't you just say you didn't want to run from your fears Tanya??"
YES!!!
I am going to legit start running because in RUNNING I am going to stop RUNNING.
If you have stopped reading I understand. I am random like a kite and have bad grammar.
Those who are still reading are the ones meant to be still reading...
In the past 3 years I have been dealing with recovering from back surgery, vertigo, and a newly discovered 6 mm aneurysm behind my left eye. I also have debilitating migraines and suffer panic attacks and the occasional mental breakdown for fun. Good times right?
The aneurysm is the thing that scared me the most though other then my acute vertigo which at the beginning gripped me as well. I think what scared me the most is the inability to DENY that at any moment a vessel could blow in my head and my life would be cut short or significantly altered. After much testing I have decided to let that thing hang out there behind my left eye and not operate for now. It's stable. Now I just have to GET STABLE.
So I am going to try to run again. It's the thing I love most. In the rain or sun it doesn't matter to me. Running represents freedom. My back is healed enough to run. My vertigo is still hindering but I can TRY and use something for balance. I will start small. My heart rate will go up and I will face my fear that in running I will do something to that precarious blood vessel in my head to cause it to go wrong.
Exercise...but not to vigorous. Be cautious...but not TOO cautious.
Do surgery. Don't do surgery.
These are all the many mixed messages I have been getting from really informed people in their field.
So here is what I know...and I have always known.
I am gonna live by FAITH instead of FEAR. I have always been taken care of even when bad things happen. Bad things do happen.
I am going to LIVE and conquer the things I can.
and next week.....I am going to starting running. I LOVE RUNNING! Even if it's just for 3 minutes xo
After all ...there is no fear...in love xo t
