I realized today the benefits of waiting. So often we have no idea what is going on outside of our own little world we live in. I have been waiting for my back to heal, I have been waiting for an app. to talk to a surgeon, I have been waiting for my money to come through from short term disability so I can be sure I am able to pay rent, I have been waiting to see a woodpecker ALL summer..I finally DID see one:)
I saw the surgeon this morning and what I thought would happen didn't. I thought he would send me away and tell me to just wait it out some more.. he didn't do that. He gave me three viable options of which surgery seemed the most appropriate due to the length of time I have been off work and the amount of recovery I have had. So when I asked HOW LONG do I have to wait for surgery? He said...next week? Yup! December 8th! And assuming all goes well I should be back and operating like a machine in a couple months:)
But here is the thing that I realized..in all my impatience of phoning and not hearing back from my disability claim person I ended up talking to a lady who is filling in. She said " I am sorry for the delay, your lady is sick..and all her case files have been handed to me ". I then had a moment of compassion and understanding as to WHY I had to wait. It wasn't because they were mean .. it was because one poor woman is sick with something serious enough to pass off her files, and another poor lady is overwhelmed with the load of having MORE work piled on her.
Sometimes its just not all about us. Or me. It's more about trust ...and the ability to see.
I want to always see with eyes of compassion. And trust that always..always..always. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me. xo love
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Waiting
Tomorrow I see Dr.Sun.
I like that his name is that, I will keep that in mind when his mechanical, logical mind talks to me with little to no emotion and his matter of fact thoughts tell me what I need to know about my back. After all, I would rather science trump emotion any day when it comes to someone thinking about operating or not operating. Ultimately, I want my back to "operate" the best it can for the rest of my life.
It has been months of waiting and also trying to be proactive where possible. I am thankful for music that has kept my mind creative, friends and family that have kept me fed and cared for, and prayers that are answered even when I least expect or deserve it. I am also thankful for provision which so far I has been sufficient enough to keep me a float. I am waiting as the transition happens to whatever...
And because God is patient too, I will also be. 1 step , 2 step first we must crawl...walk it out..walk it out. xo love.
I like that his name is that, I will keep that in mind when his mechanical, logical mind talks to me with little to no emotion and his matter of fact thoughts tell me what I need to know about my back. After all, I would rather science trump emotion any day when it comes to someone thinking about operating or not operating. Ultimately, I want my back to "operate" the best it can for the rest of my life.
It has been months of waiting and also trying to be proactive where possible. I am thankful for music that has kept my mind creative, friends and family that have kept me fed and cared for, and prayers that are answered even when I least expect or deserve it. I am also thankful for provision which so far I has been sufficient enough to keep me a float. I am waiting as the transition happens to whatever...
And because God is patient too, I will also be. 1 step , 2 step first we must crawl...walk it out..walk it out. xo love.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I Dream a lot
Why Not? Jesus Shed his Blood so I could use His!
Dreams are interesting.
The other night I dreamt I went to Heaven and God was in a big tractor harvesting corn. The End.
Last night I had a longer dream... to premise this dream it was the first night trying to sleep with absolutely NO drugs of any kind in two months. I have been having panic attacks on a continual basis for nearly a week now and Adivan has been the last drug they had me on ..to help me get OFF the other ones. Even Adivan I didn't want to be on though so I have been trying to just stay calm when the attacks come...breathe through them..talk to myself..and yes I have been praying. When your breath feels threatened it truly does to me feel like an attack. Spiritual, Mental, Physical..you name it. I have always prayed in Jesus name when these happen. Along with saying to myself " You're o.k Tanya" out loud. It seems to work. I get tired of being a warrior though. Franky? I just want them to stop.
Part 1
So now back to my dream last night. It was based in the 50's to begin with. A girl and guy were in the water just flirting and having fun by a log. The girl was dunking her love interest and holding him under in a playful yet serious manner. By the log were two dogs sitting in the shallow water, one with his paw just touching the underside of the log which was floating, when what I would call the equivalent of a "mall cop" came by scolding the couple for playing in the water and for "hurting the dogs paw" by hitting the log. The dog was FINE. Not hurt at all.
Part 2
Than the dream switched to a group of teenagers playing lawyer and jury inside a closed boardroom.
The situation at hand was a guilty party. There was not much story line to why this party was guilty, only that he/she was.
The outcome was clearly obvious. 9-1 in favor of conviction, yet secretly those 9 were all hoping it was not so. The evidence was clear. UNTIL.. the one lawyer/juror ( they played both in my dream) piped up with a newspaper article from 20 years ago that CLEARED someones name for the exact offence. It was special circumstances. Until that point the Judge had no reason NOT to stand by the rules of the law until it was proven that at one point, someone gave a good enough account as to a reason why guilt should not be found. And because this article was brought to light, the guilty party was given mercy. And the 9....and the 1...smiled.
Also during this part of the dream it was found that also 20 years ago a female judge was appointed who was ALL ABOUT THE LAW.
Part 3
Now it is still in the fifties in a school hallway. The judge who had been appointed 20 years back who was all about the law was walking through these halls scolding and scoffing at any student who as much as made a scuff mark on the clean floor.
She also happened to be my teacher. GREEEEAT.
It was right before class started. Students were rollerskating (thats how they got around in my dream...cool!!! ) and trying to madly gather papers and pens before the bell when the halls went pitch black. Everyone ran into class as fast as they could knowing pitch black meant " WE'RE LATE ". So everyone ran into their desks, and I squeaked in as the last person running to the back where my desk was. " Can I borrow a piece of paper ?" I whispered frantically to my friend in front of me. She handed me a large piece out of a colouring book which is what SHE was using for paper. I also had some kind of writing utensil...but its foggy what it was.
"TANYA!! " the judge teacher piped up walking to the back where my desk was "GULP".
" TANYA!! You can not borrow a friends paper to write on!" yelled my teacher at me. She had large curly black hair and rimmed scary black glasses with a black skirt. And she was very intimidating. I mean like...TALL large.
Without hesitation ...and here is where my dream ends, I piped up with some sarcasm but also conviction, " WHY NOT?! JESUS SHED HIS BLOOD SO I COULD USE HIS!??".
And in that moment the Judge teacher not only had no come back or argument for me, but as I looked closer "SHE" was a "HE"!! And he was laughing so hard that he had to sit down because he couldn't believe how totally true and "witty" my statement was. And frankly either could I!
So what had been my scary teacher turned out to be a substitute :)
And that is when I woke up. The End.
Weird eh?
Dreams are interesting.
The other night I dreamt I went to Heaven and God was in a big tractor harvesting corn. The End.
Last night I had a longer dream... to premise this dream it was the first night trying to sleep with absolutely NO drugs of any kind in two months. I have been having panic attacks on a continual basis for nearly a week now and Adivan has been the last drug they had me on ..to help me get OFF the other ones. Even Adivan I didn't want to be on though so I have been trying to just stay calm when the attacks come...breathe through them..talk to myself..and yes I have been praying. When your breath feels threatened it truly does to me feel like an attack. Spiritual, Mental, Physical..you name it. I have always prayed in Jesus name when these happen. Along with saying to myself " You're o.k Tanya" out loud. It seems to work. I get tired of being a warrior though. Franky? I just want them to stop.
Part 1
So now back to my dream last night. It was based in the 50's to begin with. A girl and guy were in the water just flirting and having fun by a log. The girl was dunking her love interest and holding him under in a playful yet serious manner. By the log were two dogs sitting in the shallow water, one with his paw just touching the underside of the log which was floating, when what I would call the equivalent of a "mall cop" came by scolding the couple for playing in the water and for "hurting the dogs paw" by hitting the log. The dog was FINE. Not hurt at all.
Part 2
Than the dream switched to a group of teenagers playing lawyer and jury inside a closed boardroom.
The situation at hand was a guilty party. There was not much story line to why this party was guilty, only that he/she was.
The outcome was clearly obvious. 9-1 in favor of conviction, yet secretly those 9 were all hoping it was not so. The evidence was clear. UNTIL.. the one lawyer/juror ( they played both in my dream) piped up with a newspaper article from 20 years ago that CLEARED someones name for the exact offence. It was special circumstances. Until that point the Judge had no reason NOT to stand by the rules of the law until it was proven that at one point, someone gave a good enough account as to a reason why guilt should not be found. And because this article was brought to light, the guilty party was given mercy. And the 9....and the 1...smiled.
Also during this part of the dream it was found that also 20 years ago a female judge was appointed who was ALL ABOUT THE LAW.
Part 3
Now it is still in the fifties in a school hallway. The judge who had been appointed 20 years back who was all about the law was walking through these halls scolding and scoffing at any student who as much as made a scuff mark on the clean floor.
She also happened to be my teacher. GREEEEAT.
It was right before class started. Students were rollerskating (thats how they got around in my dream...cool!!! ) and trying to madly gather papers and pens before the bell when the halls went pitch black. Everyone ran into class as fast as they could knowing pitch black meant " WE'RE LATE ". So everyone ran into their desks, and I squeaked in as the last person running to the back where my desk was. " Can I borrow a piece of paper ?" I whispered frantically to my friend in front of me. She handed me a large piece out of a colouring book which is what SHE was using for paper. I also had some kind of writing utensil...but its foggy what it was.
"TANYA!! " the judge teacher piped up walking to the back where my desk was "GULP".
" TANYA!! You can not borrow a friends paper to write on!" yelled my teacher at me. She had large curly black hair and rimmed scary black glasses with a black skirt. And she was very intimidating. I mean like...TALL large.
Without hesitation ...and here is where my dream ends, I piped up with some sarcasm but also conviction, " WHY NOT?! JESUS SHED HIS BLOOD SO I COULD USE HIS!??".
And in that moment the Judge teacher not only had no come back or argument for me, but as I looked closer "SHE" was a "HE"!! And he was laughing so hard that he had to sit down because he couldn't believe how totally true and "witty" my statement was. And frankly either could I!
So what had been my scary teacher turned out to be a substitute :)
And that is when I woke up. The End.
Weird eh?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The Matthew Shepherd story
I just watched this for the first time.
I can't believe I haven't watched it sooner.
Oh.my.heart. .
I can't believe I haven't watched it sooner.
Oh.my.heart. .
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
leaving room
I haven't written a blog for a long time. I promised my lovely cousin I would so here it goes..
I have had my headphones on for it seems like weeks. I have been experimenting with sounds, with rhythms , with equalizers, effects, microphones and the list goes on.
I am learning.
Learning how to express the things I feel and hear within myself and get them out. Exactly how I want.
This thing I notice today is that it can be totally frustrating.
The problem is that I hear the end result...but getting to the end result is not easy. I run into problems continually. I am talking about music because it is so closely related to my heart and my life that I sometimes can't find a better way of expressing my point.
Leaving room is the hardest part of writing and recording a song, for me at least. Less is more sometimes. And usually what the song was in the beginning...is the truth. The truth lies in the origin and the heartbeat. And finding the heartbeat and KEEPING the truth of that heartbeat after I have played with buttons and knobs and ideas is what I find difficult. It is a similar creative process as writing this totally scattered blog. Finding the words in perfect order is messy when there are so many thoughts to lay down.
Today I find I have to leave room for this messiness. I have to be patient with my process. I have to take care of this little musical heartbeat as if it were a baby. Impatience only creates anxiety.
Today I will hold my creative heart with great care.
Today I will leave room. The truth then has time to find its way back to me. And if I listen really closely...the heartbeat is always there xo
I have had my headphones on for it seems like weeks. I have been experimenting with sounds, with rhythms , with equalizers, effects, microphones and the list goes on.
I am learning.
Learning how to express the things I feel and hear within myself and get them out. Exactly how I want.
This thing I notice today is that it can be totally frustrating.
The problem is that I hear the end result...but getting to the end result is not easy. I run into problems continually. I am talking about music because it is so closely related to my heart and my life that I sometimes can't find a better way of expressing my point.
Leaving room is the hardest part of writing and recording a song, for me at least. Less is more sometimes. And usually what the song was in the beginning...is the truth. The truth lies in the origin and the heartbeat. And finding the heartbeat and KEEPING the truth of that heartbeat after I have played with buttons and knobs and ideas is what I find difficult. It is a similar creative process as writing this totally scattered blog. Finding the words in perfect order is messy when there are so many thoughts to lay down.
Today I find I have to leave room for this messiness. I have to be patient with my process. I have to take care of this little musical heartbeat as if it were a baby. Impatience only creates anxiety.
Today I will hold my creative heart with great care.
Today I will leave room. The truth then has time to find its way back to me. And if I listen really closely...the heartbeat is always there xo
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Paralyzed
Paralyzed.
Able to move her arms but unable to make her legs work.
Half mobile.
But immobilized.
Mute.
Not able to speak.
Thoughts.
Oh for the ability to express what is so deep in my heart.
My faith is hidden a lot of the time…. But it is there.
I have this Mute button. That is what I call it.
So much I feel but just can’t get out.
I just watched the Kings Speech. Yes.
Today I was given a new student. She starts next week.
She was in a horse accident and is now paralyzed.
I hate horses. They scare me. They always have.
A few years ago it was my new years resolution to get back on a horse.
Jesus heals the mute.
Jesus heals the paralyzed. In body, and in fear.
Healing.
I have been the one who has always said to God. That would freak me out to see that.
I am not sure I want that.
My faith is a mustard seed hidden. But it is there…
I have a mute button.
In Jesus name?
In Jesus name.....
xo
Thursday, February 10, 2011
titles are like introducing your song a.k.a. Anonymous 1
Every time I write a new blog it asks me to "title it". I feel a lot of pressure around this. Titles remind me of my least favourite thing about doing piano recitals. INTRODUCING my piece. " I am going to play _____in G by Bach" . Even worse at festival where my nerves were more shot because I was not only performing but COMPETING . I don't like titles. So from here on out....unless I have something REALLY witty to say....I will leave my titles blank. Or else name every single one "anonymous 1..2..3....4...ect"
But that is not the point of my blog. The point is to say that in my last write up I simply said I want to think bigger.
I have crazy ideas sometimes. Like dreams at night where you can fly and shoot "mind bullets"(thank-you Jesse Olsen) at objects and things.
Today I discovered two things I didn't know were possible. They are small....but BIG...in the long run.
#1. I can attach the mouse to my computer on my own. And I did. Easier? Yes.!
#2. I have been working on a musical project that I feel slightly overwhelmed by..... in other words. I have the VISION...I just am not sure if I have the tools to put that vision together. A few pieces have fallen into place...and today I discovered my next missing piece:) In the most perfect timing ever.
I have had the feeling all along that if I GO...I will know what is to happen next. Today I feel lighter...and encouraged that thinking bigger, may be so much bigger than I could ever think or imagine that I need not worry about how it will come together...or if it will...I will just be impressed by the immaculate timing of God. Thanks:) I needed that...
But that is not the point of my blog. The point is to say that in my last write up I simply said I want to think bigger.
I have crazy ideas sometimes. Like dreams at night where you can fly and shoot "mind bullets"(thank-you Jesse Olsen) at objects and things.
Today I discovered two things I didn't know were possible. They are small....but BIG...in the long run.
#1. I can attach the mouse to my computer on my own. And I did. Easier? Yes.!
#2. I have been working on a musical project that I feel slightly overwhelmed by..... in other words. I have the VISION...I just am not sure if I have the tools to put that vision together. A few pieces have fallen into place...and today I discovered my next missing piece:) In the most perfect timing ever.
I have had the feeling all along that if I GO...I will know what is to happen next. Today I feel lighter...and encouraged that thinking bigger, may be so much bigger than I could ever think or imagine that I need not worry about how it will come together...or if it will...I will just be impressed by the immaculate timing of God. Thanks:) I needed that...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
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